how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
