this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
