drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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