My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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