Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
