I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
