Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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