Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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