R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
