Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Vodka?
Forever.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
