guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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