Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
