He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
