there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
