oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
so much tequila, so little girl.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
