I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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