Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
