Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
