Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
