Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
