Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
