I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
