Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
