did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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