Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
