I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
