So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
