well I can't set my house on fire every night
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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