Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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