I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
