I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need to sanitize my soul.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
