It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
