Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
