There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
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You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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