Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I want to fling myself into the sun
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
