you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
