just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Floor bacon is actually really good
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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