I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
