I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
