T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
