Michael Bay diarrhea
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
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You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
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Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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