She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
