Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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