you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
