My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
