would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
