I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
