I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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