Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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