god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you guys were way drunker than both of me
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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