According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
he just fucked me for my cheese..
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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