What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
