You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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