I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
