I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
