Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
